The Essential Dignities of Saturn
Aries, Cancer, Leo, Libra, Capricorn, Aquarius
Published June 20, 2023
SATURN “FALLEN” IN ARIES: An elderly weightlifter.
An award-winning weightlifter who just won a competition earlier this year.
“I'm alone and I'm old but guess what? I'm tough.”
She says she grabbed a nearby table.
“I took that table and I went to working on him and guess what? The table broke. The man fell to the floor. When he's down I'm jumping on him.”
When officers arrived minutes later, it wasn't Murphy who needed medical attention.
“He's laying down already, cause I had really did a number on that man.”
SATURN “IN DETRIMENT” IN CANCER: A baby on a leash.
SATURN “IN DETRIMENT” IN LEO: Kicked out of the playboy mansion.
(Clip of “House Bunny” trailer)
It's been nine years. But today she's about to get a wake-up call.
“They're kicking me out?”
“Maybe it's because of your age.”
“But I'm 27.”
“But that's 59 in bunny years.”
“I don't have anything. I don't know what to do.
“You need a job.”
“It looks like a bunch of little Playboy mansions.”
She's looking for a place to call home.
“Do you ladies go to school here, too?”
“We're the house mothers of the sororities.”
“This will be perfect for me.”
“This is not a brothel.”
“I’m not looking to make soup.”
SATURN “EXALTED” IN LIBRA: Judge protects defendant against systemic abuse.
“Excuse me excuse me… outrageous. Is this for real? Hi Jenny, this is Judge Wolf in courtroom 102, how are you today? I'm fine. I'm actually calling to talk to you, Director Bolton, or anyone who can come to my courtroom and tell me why there is a defendant, a female defendant, standing in front of me with no pants on. And she's been here for how many days, ma'am?
“I got here like three days ago, two or three days ago.”
“She's been in our jail for three days, and it reports to me that the jail has refused to give her pants and feminine hygiene products. Uh-huh. I'm not trying to embarrass you. I'm very sorry. Can we get her something to cover up with? Anything? I don't care what it is. Also, I'm changing your sentence to $100 fine credit time served for that. Who? It's a shoplifting charge. A first time shoplifting charge. 75 days? No. We're not doing that. What is this? Am I in the Twilight Zone? What is happening? Absolutely, and I am holding her here until she is dressed appropriately to go back to the jail. This is outrageous.”
SATURN “DOMICILED” IN CAPRICORN: The boss and father.
(Clip from “Elf”)
(*wincing at the taste of black coffee*)
“You don't have to drink that.”
“Why is your name on the desk?”
“I bought the desk. My name's there so no one steals it.”
“That's a joke, isn't it, Dad?”
“Yeah, buddy, that's a joke.”
SATURN “DOMICILED” IN AQUARIUS: The innovator, the inventor.
(Clip from “Robots”) “Now, let's get down to the business of sucking every loose penny out of Mr. and Mrs. Average Knucklehead. What's our big ticket item? Upgrades, people, upgrades! That's how we make the dough. Now if we're telling robots that no matter what they're made of they're fine, how can we expect them to feel crummy enough about themselves to buy our upgrades and make themselves look better? Therefore I've come up with a new slogan: ‘why be you when you can be you?’”